Guest post by Erika Gammage
I never wanted kids. Genuinely. My entire life I didn’t want kids. The irony that I’m writing this while five months pregnant and have a three year old and a nine month old at home will never be lost on me. Three kids in three years is a lot for even the avid mom-er, but motherhood was never my dream.
Don’t get me wrong, I love and adore my kids (the fact that this needs to be said is the actual problem here) and I am a great mom. I’m so thankful for the ways in which they’ve improved my life, but my mind never actually changed – it only softened.
When I met my husband I opened myself to the idea of a “traditional” family for maybe the first time ever. He wanted a family and I was indifferent, which was good enough for me. Three years into our relationship and a year into our engagement we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant. It felt like an actual gut punch; followed by an eight month MMA fight with a growing fetus that would eventually call me mama.
Those months of pregnancy only fed my long-held ideology that motherhood wasn’t for me. The constant comments – “I knew you’d change your mind”, look at “Miss. I Didn’t Want Kids”, etc. – on top of being very sick were annoying, but honestly expected with how our society views motherhood as a woman’s end game. Every woman must long to be a mom; and if you don’t what kind of woman are you and what kind of mother would you be.
What people were never expecting was my honest answer. To this day my mom still gets upset when I talk about how my first (and third) pregnancy was an accident and that I wasn’t yet over joyed. She thinks my honesty about the subject makes other people uncomfortable and will eventually make its way to my son as he ages. Spoiler: I don’t intend to lie to him about it. Everyone expects you to respond with a huge smile and a “we are blessed”, but I would argue that isn’t the experience of more women than you’d think. I’ve never been one to shield my opinion on something, and faking my feelings on the literal creation of another life didn’t seem like the place to start.
I spent months coming to terms with my soon to be title change. It took a diagnosis of intrauterine growth restriction, a constant view of your child on monitors multiple times a week, and the fear of losing a baby I was still unsure about, for motherhood to hit me in the face.
Just like I got pregnant unexpectedly, I also became a mom unexpectedly. In the same way he has lived his three years since, Tru entered the world on his own terms 5 weeks early at 3 pounds. He was small, but mighty and we’ve been learning how to do this motherhood thing together.
I know how lucky I am; my opinion is never meant to devalue those struggling on their journey to motherhood. My genuine hope is that everyone who wants to experience being a mom has the opportunity to, but I also stand with every woman who decides against a family or just isn’t sure. Who should never have to explain why, and who shouldn’t be shamed publicly or privately when they share with you their unpopular opinion of motherhood.
Too often motherhood is wrapped in with “womanhood” and that needs to change. There are still days that I wonder what my journey might have looked like if my surprise baby didn’t come along. On my worst days, I doubt my abilities and remember that this wasn’t my dream. But let me tell you, you can not want to be a mother and still be a dang good one.
Erika is a long time Valley resident, small business owner and mom of 3, as this has been published after the birth of her third child. She runs a successful business and juggles all things motherhood. Learn more about Erika here.
