I’m not one to get involved in any sort of Mommy Wars. Breastfeed, bottle feed, go to work, stay home, organic meals, eat out of a box, you do what you need to do to get by. And us moms need to stick together and lift each other up.
But there is a point where I draw the line: Fur Moms.
You know the ones, right? Your 6-month-old is up every hour all night and you’re dragging at work the next day and they say, “I know exactly how that is. When my dog was a puppy …” No. No. No. Just no.
Look. I get it. As a mom, I’ve often wondered what kind of ridiculous nonsense I spewed before I had kids. And our first dog was so, so spoiled before we had kids. But dogs and kids are not the same. Repeat: Dogs and kids are not the same.
Let’s compare my first dog and my first baby, shall we?
Birth
Dog: Delivered naturally at home.
Kid: Delivered naturally in hospital.
Coming home
Dog: Rode in a cardboard box with a blanket.
Kid: Strapped into carefully researched and selected car seat with five-point harness. Mom rides in backseat to watch every breath.
First Food
Dog: Almost exclusively store bought canned and dry food. Occasional scrambled egg, oatmeal or scraps.
Kid: Exclusively breastfed for six months, then homemade organic purees introduced.
Food now
Dog: Will eat the same meal every day, twice a day, forever
Kid: Yesterday loves ketchup. Today hates ketchup. Ketchup now on your walls.
Back to work
Dog: Crated during puppy stage, and while we lived in an apartment. Now has a doggy door and access to one room and backyard.
Kid: Sent to daycare after parents visited and researched many schools, including reading every inspection report. Mom visits daily until she turns six months to nurse baby during lunch break.
Vacation
Dog: First left home (with friends to watch her) less than a month after coming home. Occasionally tags along for trips until kid arrives. Rides in airplane in travel crate. Otherwise sent to stay with friends while parents are gone. (Eventually, after second dog joins family, house sitter hired to stay with dogs overnight.)
Kid: Joins for most trips. The entire house comes as well – pack ‘n play, car seat, stuffed animal that plays bedtime music, enough outfits for 17 blowouts a day, diapers, etc. Left overnight with grandma for the first time at 14 months old.
Birthdays
Dog: A new toy and special food (scrambled eggs for breakfast, pupcakes for dinner).
Kid: Special breakfast and/or dinner. Days of cleaning and prep for a party – decorations, food, invitations, gifts, favors, cakes, etc.
Unconditional love
Dog: Truly unconditional.
Kid: As soon as you say no, she asks for grandma.
Homework
Dog: Eat. Nap. Chew on a toy. Repeat.
Kid: Read for 20 minutes every night, plus assignments from the teacher.
Extra-curricular activities
Dog: Barking at the doorbell. Or doorbells on TV.
Kid: Every Saturday morning and possibly several weeknights for the next 13 years.
Family photos:
Dog: Bribe with treats. The star of the show until kids were born. Hasn’t been seen since 2013.
Kid: Current star of the show. Also bribe with treats.
Procreation
Dogs: Underwent surgery to ensure this is physically impossible.
Kids: Hope one day they both give me grandbabies. When they are finished with college and well established in a career, of course.
Jokes aside, I love all my babies – both human and canine. And I love the special relationship they share with each other.
