My husband and I sat watching the local news when a story broke my heart. Sparing the details enables us to stay detached. To embark change sometimes you have to attach. The details of the story physically ached my heart. My tears flowed as I heard about a 3-year-old baby girl found duct taped in the closet and being sold by her mother’s boyfriend for things beyond our imagination. A 3-year-old baby girl. I sobbed as I knew this girl was finally rescued but would need a place to go. A safe place with people who will work hard to help her learn to trust again if she ever could, a team of people will be needed to try. I also knew as awful as this story was, she was just one of many. “We have an empty room! We have a room just sitting there empty and there are 3-year-olds being duct taped in closets!” I cried. My heart was crushed. My safe world felt selfish. My safe world felt undeserved. Our kids had so much. So many kids have so little. My husband looked at me in my mess and said the words that forever changed our world, “So let’s do something”. God, I love that man. Those words, in fact, changed everything.
February we went to orientation, by March we started classes, in April we had our home inspected and by June 2016 we were licensed with a 9-month-old baby boy in our home. As quickly as I wrote all that, that was not an easy process, it was a lot of planning, preparing, and anxiety that went into getting licensed. It was something we had to want to do.
Just down the street my good friend Kathi and her family were also starting this journey and by June 2016 they had a 3-year-old girl in their home. Within weeks they also had her 8-year-old sister. Within 3 months of our little one joining us, we were asked to take his newborn baby sister. Siblings are common in foster care. Siblings often only have each other and when they are separated from their parents and their siblings that causes even more trauma to their little lives. Not every situation can keep siblings together, but if it can be done, it should be.
We were given 24 hours notice to pick up the baby from the hospital. Our little A wasn’t even one yet. To say we were in over our heads would be putting it lightly. But there was no other answer than yes. We were all in at this point. We were madly in love with baby A and he needed his sister. I had also grown to love our babies bio mom. We had spent time together. We knew her. She needed to know who her newborn was with. We all wanted the best for these babies, unknowing what “best” was, but we knew we had to foster a relationship with bio parents as well as fostering all the love into these babies.
Kathi was also fostering the relationship with her foster daughters bio parents. Kathi went above and beyond by inviting them to church and sat with them, as they came! Inviting them to a birthday party she threw for the girls. She added visits to her already busy schedule and supervised them to meet the parent’s schedule. (this was all DCS approved and only after knowing she was safe to do so) As Kathi began to offer grace to these parents, these parents started to accept it and soak it up. The changes she saw in the parents were something she couldn’t explain. Being seen when you feel invisible can be empowering.
By August 2018 our family was celebrating adopting our babies with their bio mama standing by our side.
By September 2018 Kathi was saying one of the hardest goodbyes of her life.
This is foster care.
Kathi was blindsided one meeting with a frank “the girls are going home and we are setting up a reunification team to start the process”. It took 3 months from start to end and Kathi was thankful for that. This allowed the girls to understand what was happening and lessened the trauma of leaving what was home at that point. Helpful for Kathi’s family as well. Kathi still sees her girls. Recently the girls were over and little M hung on to Kathi and told her how much she missed her and Kathi told her, “me too”. The girls call often and know if they need her she is always there.
Many see our stories and think the one that ended in adoption was successful but truly the success story is Kathi’s. That is what foster care is. That is what we are to root for, parents putting in the work and successfully getting their families back. Oh but it hurts. And I know that hurt is what so many people cling to when they decide not to open their home. I get it. I truly do. But healthy adults can handle the hurt far better than a vulnerable child. And every child deserves someone willing to get a little beat up for. Like Olaf says, some people are worth melting for.
I sat with Kathi the other day as we talked about her new little guy they welcomed after a 3-month break and she still tears up thinking of how much she misses her girls. She also says she is happy they are able to be raised by their parents. The emotions aren’t black and white. Foster care is in all the shades of gray. I asked her how she would try to encourage someone to foster even knowing the possibility to be hurt is high and she said just because it isn’t easy doesn’t mean it’s not super meaningful. Rarely anything easy is meaningful.
If you or anyone you know are more interested in changing the lives of children please visit Arizona DCS becoming a foster parent.
